Dear Dennis,
My apologies for leaving you like that – I’ve just resuscitated a starving cat. It was pawing at the window pathetically and making as if chewing its arm – I think the teeth marks in the food sachet were going a bit far but I got the message and gave it two sachets to make up for starving poor “Thompson” (ginger tom) [ thinner than it used to be].
Last night I found a brilliant way to silence our dribbling, swearing, raging, shouting, screaming, kicking nine year old … I shoved him out of the front door in his pyjamas to stand on our front step – he shut up immediately and asked very politely to be let in and promised to be good and to go to bed without disturbing his brother. You see, in our street some of the kids go to bed at normal times and others are allowed to roam around well into the night. Charlie comes into the first batch but would dearly like to be in the second and I presume until now has hidden the fact that he goes to bed at a normal time (8:30) from the first batch. Whilst he was outside the front door in his pyjamas he could hear the roaming batch coming up the street kicking the dustbins and, I would think, he correctly imagined what would happen if they saw him standing there. Another fine weapon for my arsenal.
Anyway the upshot is that I now have less than a day to return the house to some semblance of order and to feed the kids all the food I was supposed to have been feeding them whilst the brunette has been away.
Actually I made a salad for lunch the other day – half way through Charlie said he didn’t like cheese, he didn’t like quiche (I don’t blame him), doesn’t like potatoes, doesn’t like hard boiled eggs, isn’t keen on cucumber, Oh and he thought the lettuce and tomato’s tasted like they had “gone off”. He only liked “squeezy cheese” and hot-dogs.
Did I tell you I emailed MP Jim Murphy [mailto:jimmurphymp@parliament.uk] with my problems regarding the Unemployment people – I told him the whole sorry story (he is the minister in charge of that lot after all) I had an email from his secretary yesterday saying he couldn’t help as I wasn’t a constituent of his (Renfrewshire) and that she had forwarded all my emails to the DWP !! I’m for it now, they’ll tie my claim up in red tape and pointless to’ing and fro’ing between different offices for months ! Bugger ! There that’ll teach me to complain ! I won’t do that again in a hurry. I’m stuffed now. When I go in to sign on next Tuesday I just know they’ll give me a good spanking.
My sister just emailed – she wants me to go over and help her empty our Dads loft – is she mad? It is going to be the hottest day of the century and she thinks she’ll get someone to willingly go and work in a loft? Why today? Why at all? Why would anyone want their loft emptied? Well it could be an excuse for not being able to tidy the house before the brunette gets back … but at what price? It’s going to be hot in that loft and not to mention the wasps nests he seems to cultivate. But the silly old sod needs help so I’d better go … he can feed the kids hmmm
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
28 July 2006
Dear Dennis,
Let me put you in the picture … temperature at my keyboard is 29 degrees, one child dressed and the youngest refusing (Saul stayed in pyjamas all day yesterday), listening to Chas ‘n’ Dave, children have breakfasted, bathroom needs cleaning, front room needs tidying, kitchen needs a ceiling, Sauls bedroom (can’t see the floor) needs tidying as does Charlie’s, fridge still full of the food the brunette left and planned for me to feed the kids with whilst she was away, takeaway wrappers overflowing from the bin, dining table currently supporting:
my cordless drill,
a Tennon saw,
set of spanners (English),
two IDE hard drives,
dismantled stereo (Chas ‘n’ Dave playing on PC),
two temperature gauges,
several dead or dying batteries
seven used breakfast bowls
three cups of cold tea (Asam)
1 pile of unopened mail
another pile of unopened mail
1 roll of sellotape
instruction leaflet for a pedometer
pile of washing I took off the line yesterday in the rain
1 broken place mat
half of Sauls bowl of “Cheerio’s” (cats have seen off the milk but refuse the cheerio’s)
Next doors front door key (they went away at the beginning of the week and left me to … FEED THEIR CAT … hang on back in a bit
Let me put you in the picture … temperature at my keyboard is 29 degrees, one child dressed and the youngest refusing (Saul stayed in pyjamas all day yesterday), listening to Chas ‘n’ Dave, children have breakfasted, bathroom needs cleaning, front room needs tidying, kitchen needs a ceiling, Sauls bedroom (can’t see the floor) needs tidying as does Charlie’s, fridge still full of the food the brunette left and planned for me to feed the kids with whilst she was away, takeaway wrappers overflowing from the bin, dining table currently supporting:
my cordless drill,
a Tennon saw,
set of spanners (English),
two IDE hard drives,
dismantled stereo (Chas ‘n’ Dave playing on PC),
two temperature gauges,
several dead or dying batteries
seven used breakfast bowls
three cups of cold tea (Asam)
1 pile of unopened mail
another pile of unopened mail
1 roll of sellotape
instruction leaflet for a pedometer
pile of washing I took off the line yesterday in the rain
1 broken place mat
half of Sauls bowl of “Cheerio’s” (cats have seen off the milk but refuse the cheerio’s)
Next doors front door key (they went away at the beginning of the week and left me to … FEED THEIR CAT … hang on back in a bit
21 July 2006
Dear Dennis,
Thanks for Tims email address thing and for looking out for the TR thingy.
Did I tell you about the little boy we meet on the walk to school in the mornings?
Some children have an imaginary friend – some may have an imaginary animal – this chap has an antelope! – well a whole herd of imaginary antelope actually! His poor mum was having terrible trouble getting him to school as the herd kept raiding gardens on the way and the little chap couldn’t handle them very well. Things have moved on a bit and thankfully his herd of imaginary antelope have gone to a zoo for a while – but he has now got an imaginary Red Panda. Trouble is they don’t move very fast (well not as fast as antelope in any case) so his mums journey to take him to school now takes three times longer as Red Pandas only have short legs and small feet!
I hope you and C have read the latest additions to my web log [www.d6equj5.blogspot.com]
One of our neighbours has an autistic 15 year old. One night a couple of weeks ago he got out of their house at 3 in the morning with their car keys, got into and started their car and was revving it up surrounded by shouting neighbours (I didn’t hear a thing and only caught up with the news the following day) luckily he couldn’t manage to jam the car into gear but did do some damage to the car in front as he let the handbrake off and rolled into it. Well, last week he got out of the house again – this time at four in the morning and he made a “camp” with sheets and garden sticks in the middle of the road. Last night / this morning he was out again although this time he had some tins of different colours of gloss paint from a neighbours front garden (apparently left out for the dustman). He painted the road purple, blue and terracotta. Thankfully and miraculously he missed all the parked cars but the road looks quite pretty now. It must be the heat or something because Saul got up last night, crept into our bedroom and removed the kittens from their basket one by one and took them down stairs and we didn’t realise until the morning. I think we’re going to “stair-gate” his room for a while.
We have 17 tomatoes on our plants and have had a dozen strawberries although it doesn’t look like there will be any more of those.
You all have a good weekend too … dude man.
D.
Thanks for Tims email address thing and for looking out for the TR thingy.
Did I tell you about the little boy we meet on the walk to school in the mornings?
Some children have an imaginary friend – some may have an imaginary animal – this chap has an antelope! – well a whole herd of imaginary antelope actually! His poor mum was having terrible trouble getting him to school as the herd kept raiding gardens on the way and the little chap couldn’t handle them very well. Things have moved on a bit and thankfully his herd of imaginary antelope have gone to a zoo for a while – but he has now got an imaginary Red Panda. Trouble is they don’t move very fast (well not as fast as antelope in any case) so his mums journey to take him to school now takes three times longer as Red Pandas only have short legs and small feet!
I hope you and C have read the latest additions to my web log [www.d6equj5.blogspot.com]
One of our neighbours has an autistic 15 year old. One night a couple of weeks ago he got out of their house at 3 in the morning with their car keys, got into and started their car and was revving it up surrounded by shouting neighbours (I didn’t hear a thing and only caught up with the news the following day) luckily he couldn’t manage to jam the car into gear but did do some damage to the car in front as he let the handbrake off and rolled into it. Well, last week he got out of the house again – this time at four in the morning and he made a “camp” with sheets and garden sticks in the middle of the road. Last night / this morning he was out again although this time he had some tins of different colours of gloss paint from a neighbours front garden (apparently left out for the dustman). He painted the road purple, blue and terracotta. Thankfully and miraculously he missed all the parked cars but the road looks quite pretty now. It must be the heat or something because Saul got up last night, crept into our bedroom and removed the kittens from their basket one by one and took them down stairs and we didn’t realise until the morning. I think we’re going to “stair-gate” his room for a while.
We have 17 tomatoes on our plants and have had a dozen strawberries although it doesn’t look like there will be any more of those.
You all have a good weekend too … dude man.
D.
19 July 2006
Dear Dennis,
I have just secured voluntary work creating and updating the local church web-site to stop me going completely insane.
Do you have or do you know of a TrueType font called “in_tongues” as I think this could be the thing that would jazz up their site nicely.
God Bless
D
-----Original Message-----From: dennis [mailto:Dennis] Sent: Thursday, July 20, 2006 5:09 PMTo: David Subject: Re: and
D,
you are a first class idiot.
That's tempting fete.
I have just secured voluntary work creating and updating the local church web-site to stop me going completely insane.
Do you have or do you know of a TrueType font called “in_tongues” as I think this could be the thing that would jazz up their site nicely.
God Bless
D
-----Original Message-----From: dennis [mailto:Dennis] Sent: Thursday, July 20, 2006 5:09 PMTo: David Subject: Re: and
D,
you are a first class idiot.
That's tempting fete.
18 July 2006
Dear Dennis,
I am dreaming of a Token Ring hub 19” rack unit thingy – you know, the box what screws into the racks – Token Ring hub – you don’t need them any more at the factory as you use Ethernet so you must have one for the skip – come on bloke, send me one eh? Eh? I need it to run my temperature controller in my shed – it couldn’t handle the 42 degrees today and popped. You used to tinker with Maplin Electronics didn’t you? I have one of their K8000 and K8001 units controlling the temperature and two stepper motors for my solar panel to make it “chase the sun”. It also looks after the door lock on the shed and the lighting and the external garden light system and cat intrusion alarms. So you see how desperate this is Dennis. Come on just one of the old Token Ring boxes eh? Eh? Eh?
D
I am dreaming of a Token Ring hub 19” rack unit thingy – you know, the box what screws into the racks – Token Ring hub – you don’t need them any more at the factory as you use Ethernet so you must have one for the skip – come on bloke, send me one eh? Eh? I need it to run my temperature controller in my shed – it couldn’t handle the 42 degrees today and popped. You used to tinker with Maplin Electronics didn’t you? I have one of their K8000 and K8001 units controlling the temperature and two stepper motors for my solar panel to make it “chase the sun”. It also looks after the door lock on the shed and the lighting and the external garden light system and cat intrusion alarms. So you see how desperate this is Dennis. Come on just one of the old Token Ring boxes eh? Eh? Eh?
D
18 July 2006
Dear Dennis,
Not to worry – the brunette has found an ‘otel (and amazingly we could pay using paypal!). They seem to converse in a strange dialect up there but I’m sure she’ll cope – she is after all a BSc Hons and no longer a HSe Wf.
I sign-on today so I’m gathering myself for the inevitable anti-self-esteem gas they release in ‘that’ building. It smells like a mixture of B.O., Linx and OMO washing powder. It is always worse in this weather but then at the end of the summer we start to get feint traces of coconut essence from the tanning lotions and the floor gets slightly sandy from where my co-signers time it a bit tight and have to dash over from the airport once they touch-down from their hols. I just don’t know what the excuse will be this week for not granting me any benefits but hopefully they’ve not added any other branch offices to the wide range they seem to send my claim to on a regular basis. I know they are trying to “lose” my claim and miraculously it has resisted being “lost” up until now but some day soon they are going to tell me they have no record of my claim and I’ll have to start the process all over again. I gave up on my MP a while ago as he just seemed to make things worse with his “I demand you do something about this” letters.
Have to go now as washing up needs doing and my hot-melt glue gun is warmed and ready for the daily toy mending session.
D
Not to worry – the brunette has found an ‘otel (and amazingly we could pay using paypal!). They seem to converse in a strange dialect up there but I’m sure she’ll cope – she is after all a BSc Hons and no longer a HSe Wf.
I sign-on today so I’m gathering myself for the inevitable anti-self-esteem gas they release in ‘that’ building. It smells like a mixture of B.O., Linx and OMO washing powder. It is always worse in this weather but then at the end of the summer we start to get feint traces of coconut essence from the tanning lotions and the floor gets slightly sandy from where my co-signers time it a bit tight and have to dash over from the airport once they touch-down from their hols. I just don’t know what the excuse will be this week for not granting me any benefits but hopefully they’ve not added any other branch offices to the wide range they seem to send my claim to on a regular basis. I know they are trying to “lose” my claim and miraculously it has resisted being “lost” up until now but some day soon they are going to tell me they have no record of my claim and I’ll have to start the process all over again. I gave up on my MP a while ago as he just seemed to make things worse with his “I demand you do something about this” letters.
Have to go now as washing up needs doing and my hot-melt glue gun is warmed and ready for the daily toy mending session.
D
14 July 2006
Dear Dennis,
I have an idea. Bear with me for a moment. (Bear or Bare?)
Q. What is it that we all do when turning the tap on to get a drink of water?
A. We let the tap run for a minute or so to let the colder, clearer water come through.
Q. Is that not a criminal waste of resources?
I don’t know of any such device on the market just now.
If only some plumbing genius such as you could come up with a design of tap which continually circulates the water in the very top end of the pipe back down to further back in the system so that the water at the top is continually renewed and constantly cool and fresh. It needn’t be pumped using electricity as capillary action or convection could possibly be used to circulate cool>warm>cool water.
Once you have considered this and put it to your mates at the pub and decide to knock up a trial device – I’ll test it for you.
D.
I have an idea. Bear with me for a moment. (Bear or Bare?)
Q. What is it that we all do when turning the tap on to get a drink of water?
A. We let the tap run for a minute or so to let the colder, clearer water come through.
Q. Is that not a criminal waste of resources?
I don’t know of any such device on the market just now.
If only some plumbing genius such as you could come up with a design of tap which continually circulates the water in the very top end of the pipe back down to further back in the system so that the water at the top is continually renewed and constantly cool and fresh. It needn’t be pumped using electricity as capillary action or convection could possibly be used to circulate cool>warm>cool water.
Once you have considered this and put it to your mates at the pub and decide to knock up a trial device – I’ll test it for you.
D.
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