23 June 2006

Dear Dave
I think the world has gone mad!! Have you tried feigning drunkenness and speaking "foreign" you may get what you need just to get rid of you.
I should take all of your experiences to your MP's surgery.
Dino

Dear Dennis,
The world, except you and me, has indeed gone mad. I did send an account of my experiences with the Benefits Agency to my MP as you suggest and he replied! He wanted to know my full name, address and National Insurance number – these I duly emailed back and I’ve heard nothing since … I suspect being a Labour MP he just passed them to the Agency and told them to watch out as I could be someone who would ask awkward questions of switchboard operators. However last night the local “Evening Post” called my mobile – I didn’t pick it up because if your number isn’t known by my phone I refuse to answer – I need formal introductions first. I did a Wibbly Wobbly search for the number and it came back as belonging to: Judith Toner advertising@reading-epost.co.uk Maybe she wants to advertise on my Blog or at least get a mention. Job done Judith and you’re welcome. I wonder how they got my number though as I haven’t given it to them and didn’t give it to my MP. I didn’t want him pestering me asking which way he should vote in “der House”. Did you know that the distance between the Government and Opposition benches is designed to be two sword lengths apart so they can’t come to parries during a debate? If I was one of them I’d make myself an extra long sword or is there a regulation sword length and anyone caught with a longer one goes straight to the factory?

I shuffled into town yesterday with Saul and the brunette (my foot is giving me gip). A really helpful young lady at the Benefits House (a bit of a loose canon I suspect) looked up the number at the top of my giro and told me at which Post Office I could cash it. She suggested I didn’t put in for a "change request", as this would probably result in my claim being lost in the system forever and said it was probably best just to go to that Post Office and cash the thing. I was on a roll. I asked when I might get some benefits and she told me the whole sorry saga of “Canterbury”. Apparently they are just drafted in to make up the numbers and are not fully trained whereas the operatives in the branch offices know the whole system and can provide real help (except of course the telephone operators and receptionists). Also “Canterbury” regularly ship claims off to different parts of the country (including my experience with Nottingham) to “help the figures”. And she advised me to not ring “Canterbury” as each time I only get through to their menu system and voice thingy I am charged for the call even though I don’t actually get through to anyone – bloody hell I’ve been ringing them on and off about 100 times a day for the last three weeks – I just press ‘redial’ until I get a real person on the line. Bloody hell! I am going to email MP Laughing Clown about this one aswell. By this time the security guards were gathering and scowling firstly at my audacity to go in expecting some help and secondly at her for daring to give out accurate and sensible information. I expect her days are numbered at the Agency. I gathered up my family and hurriedly left the building.

The upshot of all that is that I did get my giro cashed and dutifully handed it over to the brunette. She then took me and Saul into the 99p shoppe to get Saul and Charlie a treat. Whatever happened to Pound Shoppes? It was all so much easier back then – maybe they should team up with the Busses as they must have too much change and the busses don’t give any out.

There was a report in our Local “News Paper” that the council were stopping the free service of exterminating rats and that their subjects would have to pay £25 a time in future. Another report says that the council are stopping weekly dust-bin collections and will only collect every other week instead – surely these two are connected and are a part of some crazy money making scheme for the councils Christmas Do? If they park a skip outside every residence they’d only have to collect rubbish once a month and would make a fortune from rat catching! They’d have to buy a load of skip lorries though and employ several thousand rat catchers. There is quite a furore going on about it all but what amazes me is that residents think that by complaining they can get the council to change it’s policy or get anything done – don’t they realise this is READING COUNCIL and the town belongs to them not the residents. Gone are the days when we used to turn our school caps around and pretend to be dust-bin-men because it was fun and they were seen as some sort of hero of the neighbourhood and our dad used to give them a Christmas box each year. These days they won’t collect all the rubbish we put out and they don’t even put the bin back in our garden after emptying it. It is a sad testament to town councils and progress.

The brunette has gone off for the day to show potential undergrads the work the Chemistry Department does, Saul is at crèche and Charlie is at school, the cats are fed and asleep, the stereo still only works on the left channel, telly aerial is slopping at 45 degrees to the roof so the signal is rubbish, washing up needs doing, bathroom floor tiles need finishing off, wind turbine needs tinkering with, window frames need painting, push bike needs oiling, solar panel needs cleaning, police helicopter is hovering overhead looking for some local ner-do-well. I think I’ll make a cup of tea and go sit in the shed for a while.

The blog message wasn’t spam but don’t worry as it’ll carry on without you.
D.